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February 27, 2000
The Holistic Treatment Soup
Breast cancer with liver metastases. It was like a death sentence for Seema. The prognosis was poor and the expected suffering, considerable, but she decided to give it a good fight. After multiple consultations and tests, she found a good, kind oncologist, who took her through five cycles of a rigorous chemotherapy regime. Three months later the lump in her breast disappeared and the liver metastases regressed.
Seema threw a small party for her friends and family. As the party started drawing to a close, many of her close friends and family gravitated into a circle around Seema, drawn together by their relationships with her and their contributions to her well being. A friend of hers, Nikita, who had just come down from London, was being introduced to all of them.
Nikita: It is a miracle, isn't it. The statistics were all against her, but she made it.
Uncle 1: Obviously. I spent days with her, performing reiki, channeling the universal life force energy over her body to drive away and kill the cancer cells. I even made my grandmaster perform long-distance reiki from Japan.
Uncle 2: If you say so, but I think it was my pranic healing that healed her. I used the chakras in my palm to revitalize her energy field. I even did advanced pranic healing using violet and electric violet energy instead of the usual white energy to realign her bioplasmic energy, which in turn healed her physical body.
Uncle 3: How can mere energy work! It is my urine therapy that cured her. I taught her how to drink her own urine first thing in the morning each day. She is not the first case of cancer cured by urine therapy.
Nikita: Yechh!
Uncle 3: There is nothing yechh about this. Urine has been used therapeutically in India for centuries and can cure everything from constipation to cancer. It even helps patients with AIDS. It is a sterile substance that contains thousands of nutrients; the only thing to be careful about is that the urine drunk should be a proper, clean mid-stream sample, collected first thing in the morning.
Aunt 1: Bull. What really helped is the magical leaf that I placed on her breast with a mudpack everyday. The lady who gave it to me told me that her own breast cancer fell out when she used it. Seema is just the last of many patients to benefit from this treatment.
Brother-in-law: I think it is my acupressure that worked. Pressing on a particular point on the foot is supposed to make cancers go away. And I think Seema quite enjoyed those daily massages. Eh, Seema?
Aunt 2: And what about my water-therapy? I made her drink eight cups of water every day in the morning; all that water must have drowned the cancer cells. It has been proved beyond doubt that hydrotherapy can treat hypertension, diabetes, hemorrhoids, stress and cancer.
Sister-in-law: Poof! The warm-water baths that I made her have are responsible for her cure. Sitting cross-legged in a basin and applying warm water over one's body is supposed to drive away negative energy. That is exactly what happened; the negative cancer disappeared.
Distant uncle: What has actually worked is the powder from Santu Baba in Umerkhadi, which I had asked her to eat after lunch every day. It is a very powerful herbal, natural medicine that has cured a large number of patients with cancers the world over. Don't you remember Seema's cousin's father-in-law with stomach cancer who is still alive after taking this powder?
And this went on.
One man, with a slight bemused expression on his face, remained silent throughout. When Nikita noticed this, she jokingly asked.
Didn't you contribute anything to her remission?
Silent man: I am not sure. I am just her oncologist.
Posted by bhavinj at 06:53 AM | Comments (0)
February 13, 2000
The Top Ten Rules that Mumbai Taxi-Drivers Follow for Passenger Comfort and Satisfaction
10. Keep the taxi in a rickety condition, so that the ride is as bumpy and jerky as possible. The passengers will get a free body massage.
9. Brake hard, suddenly, every 3-5 minutes. This will help passengers exercise various body parts in an attempt to prevent them from being flung around.
8. Push the front seat as far back as possible. This will cramp most passengers in the back seat, thus keeping them awake and alert.
7. Blow your horn as loudly and frequently as possible. This will prevent most passengers from falling asleep, thus allowing them to use their precious time for more fruitful activities.
6. Always swear at other drivers who either drive too slow or too fast or cut you or don't allow you to cut them. This will expand the passengers' vocabulary.
5. Exchange the standard four-cylinder engine for an imported, junked, three-cylinder one. This will prevent the taxi from going above 40km/hour, thus making it safer for passengers.
4. Always drive in the middle of a two-lane road so that no other vehicle can pass you by. This will prevent noxious fumes from other vehicles entering your taxi, thus keeping the air inside clean and breathable.
3. Break signals and drive through one-way streets from the opposite direction whenever possible. The passengers will reach their destinations faster, thus saving time and money.
2. Never carry small change. This will teach passengers the new concept of rounding off to the nearest five rupees.
1. Always refuse short-distance rides. This will make people healthier by forcing them to walk.
Posted by bhavinj at 12:03 AM | Comments (0)
