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August 29, 2009

Why Multiplex Brands are Irrelevant

I am freely borrowing this quote without permission from a friend (thanks Sanjay), who put it up on Facebook, three days ago, "I used to frequently visit Big Cinema / IMAX at Wadala. Enjoyed the cinema, great seats, ample space.. And then Fun Cinemas came up at Chembur. Walking distance. I have not been to BIG, Wadala since…"

This got me thinking! Why do I go to one multiplex and not another?

Living in Matunga, I have a choice of Aurora, which is a stand-alone cinema, and three, almost equidistant multiplexes; Big in Wadala East, Cinemax in Sion and PVR at Phoenix.

Aurora of course is completely hopeless. Despite being a 3-minutes walk from my house, it has the unique ability to convert even a great movie into a terrible experience.

Perhaps the most important factor that helps me decide which multiplex to visit, is a convenient show time; provided of course that the movie I want to see, is being screened in the first place. Last year, for example, by the time we finally found the time for “Sex and the City”, it had vanished from Big and Cinemax (PVR didn’t exist), and we had to drive all the way to Sterling to catch a late night screening.
 
After that, it's all about convenience. If we are self-driving and the only activity planned is the movie itself, then Big wins out due to the ample ground level parking, available within a couple of minutes of reaching the complex. However, if we have pre or post-movie plans such as shopping or dinner, then PVR becomes the obvious choice, solely because of the vast variety of shops and restaurants at Phoenix. Very rarely, do I even think of the other facilities such as the toilets, the legroom and the popcorn and except for Cinemax, which has lousy legroom, all the others are equally good or bad.

So, what is the point of all this?

Simple. According to me, it makes no difference these days what the name of the multiplex is. They are all the same. Gone are the days, when we would have agonized over whether to see an English movie locally or go all the way to Sterling, whether to try for Metro or Liberty for the latest Hindi flick, or make do with Satyam or Badal/Bijlee. Each theatre then had its own charm, its own quirks, it’s own set of rules for ticketing, both white and black with non-existent parking, bad toilets, terrible popcorn, oily samosas and awful vegetable rolls. I can still remember sitting for ages on the Sterling steps waiting for extra-tickets and hoping that my date would show up on time, or wondering why the seat numbers in Eros went from 202 to 204, skipping 203.
 
The multiplexes are a victim of their own success. They have made "movie-watching" a great experience, all of them are equally good, and unlike in the olden days when only select theatres screened specific movies, all of them now screen all movies, all at the same time. Ergo, the name or brand of the multiplex makes no difference at all; the only factors that matter are the availability of the show, the ease of booking tickets and conveniences like location and parking. In effect, the business is completely commoditized.

Which is why, if tomorrow, Aurora were to turn into a standard multiplex, irrespective of which chain it was part of, that would be the only place I'd go to; a 3-minutes walk beats any other consideration. Ask Sanjay!


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Posted by bhavinj at 04:59 AM | Comments (0)

August 22, 2009

"We Have No Time to Stand and Stare"

On my way to the airport yesterday, I pulled out the laptop, hoping to finish my new piece on last week's Shahrukh Khan's airport escapade.

Just as I started typing, my cell rang. While answering the call, I heard an SMS "ping". The moment the call ended and I started reading the SMS, the phone rang again. Since it was from a number I did not recognize, I let it go to voicemail and within moments, I received an SMS voicemail notification. While checking the voicemail, I involuntarily logged into my email account and found almost 50 emails downloading into my various inboxes. The voicemail was from a person, who I needed to call back and just as I connected to him, another call came in, which was redirected automatically to voicemail, waiting to be checked a little later.

Putting the phone aside momentarily, I quickly skimmed through the emails, trying to take action wherever it was urgent or immediately important. The phone went "ping" again. There was another SMS asking for an urgent reply to an email that had been sent just a couple of hours back. I went back to the laptop and searched for that particular email, trying to frame a cogent and intelligent reply. In the meantime, the person who's last call had gone to voicemail called again and I had no choice but to answer, despite the fact that I needed to concentrate on getting the email reply done first. I finished the call, but in the meantime, I had lost the thread of the contents of the email I was replying to and had to start focusing my thoughts all over again.

I quickly finished answering another 10 odd emails, when the phone rang again. I groaned internally, since this was from a person, who I knew would not let go for at least 5 minutes, which at that time was 4 1/2 minutes too many. In those 5 minutes, which eventually stretched to ten, there were 3 more SMS pings. As soon as the call ended and I started reading the SMSes, the phone rang again. It was a colleague who also wanted a reply to an urgent email he had sent...just 10 minutes ago.

Checking the mail with its 2MB attachment took another few minutes, by which time the car had reached the airport. I unplugged the high-speed Internet stick and shut the laptop. While checking in, there were two more phone calls, which I let go to voicemail. In the lounge, while juggling the callbacks to those phone calls, I took the opportunity to finish off replying to the rest of the emails, a task that continued in the aircraft as well, until the steward politely asked me to stop.

It was only when I was airborne and my phone was offline and the laptop had no Internet access that I could finally just sit and focus and concentrate and write out this piece.

And if you've just come down with a headache reading these frenetic words, think of what must be happening to those hordes of managers who go through this, all through the day, day after day. And I don't even use a Blackberry!

(With due apologies to W H Davies)
What is this life, of calls and cells
We have just time for texts and mails

No time to wait and think and plan
And pace our lives or ride a slow train
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A poor life this, full of multitasks
No time to sit and just smell the grass

Posted by bhavinj at 07:34 AM | Comments (0)

August 15, 2009

Love in The Times of Swine Flu

This week has been so surreal that it has been impossible to even think of writing about anything else other than H1N1 and the swine flu.

I had been writing my piece on swine flu over the last three days, trying to highlight in a slightly funny and sarcastic manner, the ongoing mass hysteria, the ridiculous reaction of the Government and the medical authorities and the siege-like mentality that we have gotten ourselves into; all caused by one puny, single-stranded RNA virus. I had woven together a thread that ran through multiple facts; that H1N1 is just a mild influenza virus like any other "flu" virus, that masks are of no value in the routine scheme of things, except to make people look like they are on chemotherapy, that Tamiflu does not prevent infection, but at best reduces its effect and spread, that hand-washing is a much more effective technique in prevention and spread and that the media-focus on the deaths has been one of the prime reasons for the escalation of the whole issue.

Despite the sarcasm and irony, the article was very depressing.

By the time I had finished the final edits on that piece, it was time to go from my office in Prarthana Samaj to the one in Lower Parel. I usually take this opportunity to get some much-needed shut-eye, but on Delisle Road, I suddenly woke up to an escalating cacophony of shouting people; these were raucous "dahi-handi" breakers passing by in trucks. Then, as soon as I reached Ganpatrao Kadam Marg, I was stuck in a huge traffic snarl. G K Marg is now a busy arterial road that connects Worli Naka to Tulsi Pipe Road; despite this, there were at least four "handis" that had been strung up across the main road. Obviously, someone ahead was trying to break one of them and all traffic from both sides had come to a complete halt. Then, in typical Mumbai style, a couple of cars went past our stalled two lanes to create a third one, thus further blocking the incoming traffic and adding to the chaos. I got out of the car and walked the 200 odd meters or so to the office; handis, traffic, people yelling; it felt great! This was the Mumbai I was used to!

On an impulse, I picked up the phone and asked my wife out to a lunch date; just like that. And just like that she said yes and in an hour we met at one of Mumbai's best-kept secrets, "The Tasting Room", which is on the first floor of "Good Earth" in the Raghuvanshi Mills compound.

With some lovely Yellow Tail Merlot giving company, I ran through their vegetarian specials for the day starting with an amazingly fresh asparagus and chevre salad, moving on to a subtle mint-flavored zucchini soup, then to a delectable beet and feta risotto, while sampling parts of my wife's cottage-cheese polenta and then ending with a "just-right" ginger and vanilla creme brulee; it's been quite some time since I've found food such as this to die for and it was worth every bit of the "pigging-out".

In times like these, when the world around us seems to have lost touch with reality, when bandit-like masked people seem to be sprouting all around us and overrunning our city and common sense has taken a beating and a back-seat, it felt great to walk out into the bright afternoon sun with a satiated sense of having reclaimed some sanity and a semblance and sliver of normality.

Posted by bhavinj at 06:30 AM | Comments (0)

August 08, 2009

Black and Yellow Carbuncles

One of my favorite fantasies has me riding shotgun on a large bulldozer with a huge flame-thrower cradled over my shoulder. As soon as I come upon a black and yellow (B & Y) cab that is crawling forward at less than 30km per hour, or cutting in or not giving way or taking a turn without signaling, I just vaporize it and then instantaneously flatten it into scrap metal...

Perhaps 20-30 years ago, sitting in a B & Y cab was considered a big thing. Today, the cabs are dirty, they smell, the drivers stink, the music is loud, the agarbatti fumes overwhelm, the windows let in noxious gases, the inside is hot, the air suffocates and the drivers jerk and brake all the time.

And to top it all, our B & Y cab drivers actually have the guts to hold the Airport authorities and us to ransom, driving away the new fleet cabs, which are much nicer and cleaner and only a shade more expensive. Or perhaps they have realized that the writing is on the wall and are reacting like a drowning man thrashing blindly in all directions in an attempt to survive. But, like pus-spewing carbuncles in the middle of a dirty armpit, it's best that they be quickly surgically excised and removed. Only then can we move forward in our attempt to becoming a world-class metropolis.

Having said all this, I do owe them my first published article! Nine years ago on my blog, I posted a piece titled "The Top Ten Rules that Mumbai Taxi-Drivers Follow for Passenger Comfort and Satisfaction". It was promptly plagiarized and published under her own byline, by a young, rookie journalist from an afternoon daily. Though the article was withdrawn after I protested, I was still threatened with legal action when I demanded an apology from the journalist and the paper.

Those rules however are still apt.

10. Keep the taxi in a rickety condition, so that the ride is as bumpy and jerky as possible. The passengers will get a free body massage.

9. Brake hard, suddenly, every 3-5 minutes. This will help passengers exercise various body parts in an attempt to prevent them from being flung around.

8. Push the front seat as far back as possible. This will cramp most passengers in the back seat, thus keeping them awake and alert.

7. Blow your horn as loudly and frequently as possible. This will prevent most passengers from falling asleep, thus allowing them to use their precious time for more fruitful activities.

6. Always swear at other drivers who either drive too slow or too fast or cut you or don't allow you to cut them. This will expand the passengers' vocabulary.

5. Exchange the standard four-cylinder engine for an imported, junked, three-cylinder one. This will prevent the taxi from going over 40km/hour, thus making it safer for passengers.

4. Always drive in the middle of a two-lane road so that no other vehicle can pass you by. This will prevent noxious fumes from other vehicles entering your taxi, thus keeping the air inside clean and breathable.

3. Break signals and drive through one-way streets from the opposite direction whenever possible. The passengers will reach their destinations faster, thus saving time and money.

2. Never carry small change. This will teach passengers the new concept of rounding off to the nearest ten rupees.

1. Always refuse short-distance rides. This will make people healthier by forcing them to walk.

Posted by bhavinj at 04:02 AM | Comments (0)

August 01, 2009

If You Don't Like, Don't See It

My morning routine involves a 15-minute read of the front pages of all the English newspapers; rarely is there any item that positively changes my mental outlook for the day. This Thursday though was different. At least two papers carried a news item that had me chuckling throughout the day, keeping me so amused that my confused staff was probably wondering, "Aaj Ravana kyon has raha hain" (Why is Ravana laughing today?).

This country has two kinds of people. One group, which seems to be a proactive majority, consists of all those who love to posture about "moral" issues, especially related to nudity and obscenity; they also have the time to disrupt concerts, plays and exhibitions at will and to drag artistes to the police or the courts, under the garb of upholding our "Indian culture"/"Bhartiya sanskriti". The other group, which is in an obvious minority, consists of people like me, mute bystanders, wondering when and why Bombay became Mumbai.

I have never quite understood though, which "sanskriti" the first group is referring to! Spitting? Jostling? Never saying thank you or sorry? Honking? Being rude? Breaking signals? Cutting queues? Any civilized culture would believe that these are more important, universal values that need upholding.

So what are these Indian values that people talk about? Touching the feet of our elders? Wearing non-revealing Indian clothes? And...That's it? Are all our so-called "Indian" values nothing but external gestures without any internal backup?

And so, when a judge tells the person who filed a PIL against the show "Sach ka Samna" to go take a hike, it is really such an awesome moment. For me, even the verdict related to Article 377 does not compare in importance. With the statement "if you don't like it, don't watch it", not only has our judiciary sent across a message that rings loud and clear, it has also exposed the hypocrisy of our holier-than-thou brigade, the majority of which revels in voyeurism, but still wants to maintain a "moral" facade.

Let's face it! In the end, we are all voyeurs. The only issue is whether we have accepted this fact or whether we are still being hypocritical about it. How else can anyone otherwise explain the popularity of the current set of reality shows on TV!

Let's take "Rakhi’s Swayamwar" for example, which has to be the best self-parody on TV these days, except that the participants including Ms. Sawant actually take themselves seriously. "Is Jungle Se Mujhe Bachao", which is nothing but a "Big Boss" in a jungle is completely focused on skimpy clothes, skin-show and male bonding.

"Sach Ka Samna", has the compere, Mr. Rajeev Khandelwal asking questions like, "If you knew your wife would not find out, would you sleep with another woman?" While the participant is waiting to answer, you sit with bated breath; if the participant says yes, he is screwed because his wife is in front of him, the camera focusing relentlessly on her reactions and if he says no and the lie-detector test says he is lying, he is still screwed anyway. The show's premise is just brilliant, isn't it!

We are part of the world that we live in. And as everyone starts reaching for those 15 seconds of fame, any opportunity to do so becomes welcome, the outcomes be damned. Given this scenario, what exactly are our upholders of "sanskriti" holding up? Their inability to land those 15 seconds?

It's tough being a bleeding-hearted liberal these days...thankfully, the judiciary has just made that a shade easier.

Posted by bhavinj at 04:57 AM | Comments (0)