August 08, 2009
Black and Yellow Carbuncles
One of my favorite fantasies has me riding shotgun on a large bulldozer with a huge flame-thrower cradled over my shoulder. As soon as I come upon a black and yellow (B & Y) cab that is crawling forward at less than 30km per hour, or cutting in or not giving way or taking a turn without signaling, I just vaporize it and then instantaneously flatten it into scrap metal...
Perhaps 20-30 years ago, sitting in a B & Y cab was considered a big thing. Today, the cabs are dirty, they smell, the drivers stink, the music is loud, the agarbatti fumes overwhelm, the windows let in noxious gases, the inside is hot, the air suffocates and the drivers jerk and brake all the time.
And to top it all, our B & Y cab drivers actually have the guts to hold the Airport authorities and us to ransom, driving away the new fleet cabs, which are much nicer and cleaner and only a shade more expensive. Or perhaps they have realized that the writing is on the wall and are reacting like a drowning man thrashing blindly in all directions in an attempt to survive. But, like pus-spewing carbuncles in the middle of a dirty armpit, it's best that they be quickly surgically excised and removed. Only then can we move forward in our attempt to becoming a world-class metropolis.
Having said all this, I do owe them my first published article! Nine years ago on my blog, I posted a piece titled "The Top Ten Rules that Mumbai Taxi-Drivers Follow for Passenger Comfort and Satisfaction". It was promptly plagiarized and published under her own byline, by a young, rookie journalist from an afternoon daily. Though the article was withdrawn after I protested, I was still threatened with legal action when I demanded an apology from the journalist and the paper.
Those rules however are still apt.
10. Keep the taxi in a rickety condition, so that the ride is as bumpy and jerky as possible. The passengers will get a free body massage.
9. Brake hard, suddenly, every 3-5 minutes. This will help passengers exercise various body parts in an attempt to prevent them from being flung around.
8. Push the front seat as far back as possible. This will cramp most passengers in the back seat, thus keeping them awake and alert.
7. Blow your horn as loudly and frequently as possible. This will prevent most passengers from falling asleep, thus allowing them to use their precious time for more fruitful activities.
6. Always swear at other drivers who either drive too slow or too fast or cut you or don't allow you to cut them. This will expand the passengers' vocabulary.
5. Exchange the standard four-cylinder engine for an imported, junked, three-cylinder one. This will prevent the taxi from going over 40km/hour, thus making it safer for passengers.
4. Always drive in the middle of a two-lane road so that no other vehicle can pass you by. This will prevent noxious fumes from other vehicles entering your taxi, thus keeping the air inside clean and breathable.
3. Break signals and drive through one-way streets from the opposite direction whenever possible. The passengers will reach their destinations faster, thus saving time and money.
2. Never carry small change. This will teach passengers the new concept of rounding off to the nearest ten rupees.
1. Always refuse short-distance rides. This will make people healthier by forcing them to walk.
Posted by bhavinj at 04:02 AM | Comments (0)
August 01, 2009
If You Don't Like, Don't See It
My morning routine involves a 15-minute read of the front pages of all the English newspapers; rarely is there any item that positively changes my mental outlook for the day. This Thursday though was different. At least two papers carried a news item that had me chuckling throughout the day, keeping me so amused that my confused staff was probably wondering, "Aaj Ravana kyon has raha hain" (Why is Ravana laughing today?).
This country has two kinds of people. One group, which seems to be a proactive majority, consists of all those who love to posture about "moral" issues, especially related to nudity and obscenity; they also have the time to disrupt concerts, plays and exhibitions at will and to drag artistes to the police or the courts, under the garb of upholding our "Indian culture"/"Bhartiya sanskriti". The other group, which is in an obvious minority, consists of people like me, mute bystanders, wondering when and why Bombay became Mumbai.
I have never quite understood though, which "sanskriti" the first group is referring to! Spitting? Jostling? Never saying thank you or sorry? Honking? Being rude? Breaking signals? Cutting queues? Any civilized culture would believe that these are more important, universal values that need upholding.
So what are these Indian values that people talk about? Touching the feet of our elders? Wearing non-revealing Indian clothes? And...That's it? Are all our so-called "Indian" values nothing but external gestures without any internal backup?
And so, when a judge tells the person who filed a PIL against the show "Sach ka Samna" to go take a hike, it is really such an awesome moment. For me, even the verdict related to Article 377 does not compare in importance. With the statement "if you don't like it, don't watch it", not only has our judiciary sent across a message that rings loud and clear, it has also exposed the hypocrisy of our holier-than-thou brigade, the majority of which revels in voyeurism, but still wants to maintain a "moral" facade.
Let's face it! In the end, we are all voyeurs. The only issue is whether we have accepted this fact or whether we are still being hypocritical about it. How else can anyone otherwise explain the popularity of the current set of reality shows on TV!
Let's take "Rakhi’s Swayamwar" for example, which has to be the best self-parody on TV these days, except that the participants including Ms. Sawant actually take themselves seriously. "Is Jungle Se Mujhe Bachao", which is nothing but a "Big Boss" in a jungle is completely focused on skimpy clothes, skin-show and male bonding.
"Sach Ka Samna", has the compere, Mr. Rajeev Khandelwal asking questions like, "If you knew your wife would not find out, would you sleep with another woman?" While the participant is waiting to answer, you sit with bated breath; if the participant says yes, he is screwed because his wife is in front of him, the camera focusing relentlessly on her reactions and if he says no and the lie-detector test says he is lying, he is still screwed anyway. The show's premise is just brilliant, isn't it!
We are part of the world that we live in. And as everyone starts reaching for those 15 seconds of fame, any opportunity to do so becomes welcome, the outcomes be damned. Given this scenario, what exactly are our upholders of "sanskriti" holding up? Their inability to land those 15 seconds?
It's tough being a bleeding-hearted liberal these days...thankfully, the judiciary has just made that a shade easier.
Posted by bhavinj at 04:57 AM | Comments (0)
April 04, 2009
The Republic of South Bombay
This confidential letter landed on our news-desk two days ago. Though there was no letterhead, we believe that it came from someone close to the "Powers that Be", who run are country. It was addressed to a gentleman from Colaba, who shall remain anonymous for everyone's sake.
"Dear Mr. ____.
The letter that we received on 20th March 2009 was the 26th letter from you on this subject, in the last two years. We haven't replied to you because for quite some time, we've all believed that you've been sending these letters only to lighten up our lunch hours. However after you've started attaching signatures from prominent citizens in support of your cause, we now think that you are truly serious about the matters raised in your letters.
Before things go out of hand and you get into trouble, we would like to tell you what the ground realities are.
1. No. Mumbai cannot end at Worli.
2. No. We can't rename South Mumbai as the Republic of South Bombay.
3. No. We cannot issue visas for travel beyond Worli in both directions.
4. No. Just because Pedder Road is going to be one way for 30 days, we cannot temporarily redraw the boundary of South Mumbai to end at Kemp's Corner. You actually managed to get 10,000 signatures for...this?
5. Just for your information. Charkop is not Charminar's sister in Hyderabad and Dahisar is not a superior form of yoghurt.
6. A small geography lesson. South Mumbai also includes all areas to the east of Raja Ram Mohan Roy Rd, including Khetwadi, Bhuleshwar, Bhendi Bazaar and Mazgaon. That these areas don't jell with "South Mumbai's state-of-mind" is irrelevant. The world is not a Billy Joel song.
7. No. Alibag's beachfront and the sea between the Gateway of India and Alibag are not part of South Mumbai.
8. No. Khandala cannot be South Mumbai's winter capital.
9. No. Bandra, including Pali Hill cannot be a satellite state like Pakistan and Bangladesh were at one time. It does not matter if you have 5000 signatures from Pali Hill residents.
10. No. Just because you want the Dhirubhai Ambani school to be part of South Mumbai, you cannot open the Republic of South Bombay's consulate in its premises.
11. No. 1900s will never reopen. Nor will Studio 29. Rang Bhavan however might have a chance one day.
12. No. Navynagar cannot be converted into South Mumbai's very own International Airport.
13. No. Members of Willingdon Gymkhana and CCI who live beyond Worli cannot be summarily removed.
14. No. Rugby cannot become South Mumbai's national sport.
15. No. Just because Freddie Mercury was born in Colaba, "Bohemian Rhapsody" cannot become South Mumbai's Anthem.
One of our secretaries in the office, who sometimes has thoughts along similar lines, but from the perspective of a certain state in Eastern India has asked you to think about this. The population of people from the Land of Darkness is quite substantial in South Mumbai, though these cooks, chauffeurs and menservants are probably invisible to you. If they were to elect the Great Socialist as your Prime Minister (and he would probably have a landslide win), you can be rest assured that the Republic of South Bombay will go from a Maximum City to a Land of Darkness faster than you can finish Mr. Suketu Mehta's opus. No wonder it was Mr. Adiga who won the Booker.
Hope this takes care of all your queries and issues.
With regards
An Anonymous Well-Wisher"
Posted by bhavinj at 05:26 AM | Comments (0)
March 21, 2009
The 'Foot-in-Mouth' Syndrome
In medical terminology, this is a syndrome that describes the art of saying the inappropriate thing at the inappropriate time.
I was struck by this disease earlier this week, during my cousin sister’s pre-wedding “sangeet”, when I was introduced to one of the groom’s relatives. I suddenly remembered being told a couple of weeks ago that this person was soon going to get married. I immediately congratulated him, only to see the “congrats” being accepted quite grudgingly. My cousin quietly took me to one side and told me that this person’s marriage had been called off just a few days ago. I discovered later that everyone in the family had known about this, but somehow this fact had fallen through the cracks where I was concerned. The embarrassment was considerable, and I landed up being both, a foot-in-mouth victim and a foot-in-mouth perpetrator.
Weddings and parties are common breeding grounds. A few years ago, I was at the wedding reception of one of the people who work in my office. We had just finished dinner and were going towards the exit when we ran into the groom’s father. There had been no dessert in the dining room and thinking that perhaps there was a separate room for the sweet-dishes, without thinking, I immediately asked him where the ice-cream was. Apparently they had decided not to keep any ice-cream during the reception and everyone was suitably red-faced. My wife actually kicked me from behind in an attempt to make me stop from making a further ass of myself.
One of my favorite foot-in-mouth quotes is this statement that earned Naomi Campbell, the British supermodel, a “Foot-in-Mouth” Annual Award. “I love England, especially the food. There's nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta.”
But my mother of feet-in-mouths happened a couple of years ago in Berlin. I have a German friend called Claus von…... Though he lives elsewhere, he knows Berlin quite well and he offered to drive me around the city to show me some of the interesting sites. We then settled down for a white asparagus dinner watered down initially by beer and then by some lovely white wine. As we got more spirited, he started talking about the life that his grand and great-grandparents used to lead, as aristocrats in Germany in the early 1900s. The conversation then continued onto World War II. Suitably emboldened by the beer and wine, I finally asked him "Why is it that none of you aristocrats ever stood up to Hitler?"
Of all the millions of people in Germany, he was the last person I should have ever asked this question to. He laughed…and he laughed…and he laughed. Finally, he asked me to tell him again what his last name was. I said “von Stauffenberg, why?” I consider myself quite smart, but this must have been one of my densest moments in living memory. As depicted by Tom Cruise, von Stauffenberg was the key driver in Operation Valkyrie, which was the plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler. This “von Stauffenberg” was Claus’ grand-father. Anyway, when finally my tubelight flickered on, I just gaped, trying to suck in some air to prevent drowning in the glass of water in front of me. As we say in Hindi, “mujhe chulloo bhar pani mein doob jana chahiye tha.”
Posted by bhavinj at 07:41 AM | Comments (0)
February 08, 2009
Baby Face and Pink Lips Laugh as KM Leaves HT
On Saturday, My wife smsed me, "KM is leaving HT". My instinctive reaction was "Good for HT...and for all of us".
Why? Here's a review that we’ve had to suffer, week after week...
"In the brightly colored, college canteen, over two cups of cutting, “speshal” chai, Baby Face (smile, smile) looks at Pink Lips (blush, lush) and immediately falls in love. Together the Ra-Ra couple heads out to the plush hills of Cheese-Land or is it Mahabaleshwar in disguise? Pink Lips' father, Raised Eyebrows (blink, blink) is dead against Baby Face. His sidekick Mr. One-Finger (poke, joke) is asked to separate them, but falls between the cracks (crack, smack, get it?)."
"After two songs and some Bhojpuri-like dialogues that do no disrespect to Mr. Kader Khan, we realize that the main villain is actually Mogambo II, who has a feverish tick and keeps snapping his neck sideways and front-back and keeps winking each time he sees Ms. Pink Lips. Eventually, he winks too much and his eyes pop-out (zing, zing), into Baby Face's hands, who promptly throws them into the Arabian Sea (or Dead Sea? Ha, Ha)."
"Suddenly a twin-brother, Plucked Chicken, crops up. He falls in love with Pink Lips' sister, Blue Nails. Mogambo II returns after the interval, having had eye transplants and hair-weaving; he looks 25-years younger and resembles the twins' father, whose only memory is a 25-years old, crumbling, black and white photograph. After an emotional reunion (cry, cry), the twins find that their mother, Mrs. Teardrops, has been imprisoned for many years by Raised Eyebrows and One-Finger. Our two heroes and their father get ready for the final rescue mission, which ends in a bitter-sweet, fireworks-laden climax (bam, slam and zing, ding), until all is right, except for one unfortunate surprise at the end."
"Is this the same team that gave us DDLJ? It's sad that the weakest link turns out to be the screenplay, which seems to have been written with a shaking hand, while on a swaying train-ride, following by a tonga-ride to Jhumri Talaiya."
"However, even with all these problems, the films rides on the broad shoulders of Mr. Shahrukh Khan as Baby Face, Ms. Sridevi as Pink Lips and Mr. Bachchan as Raised Eyebrows, who's one, just one raised eyebrow is equal to a hundred words. These three, along with Mr. Karan Johar's ersatz direction, lift the film up from its peanut-butter colored morass."
"Rating: 4 ½ stars (would have been 5, but for the screenplay)."
It wasn't always like this, but that was in another life. Eventually the contextual reviews and the intelligent dissections gave way to the use of just clever words, with no real content, which in turn compromised the value of the stars and rating. We would still read the reviews, but that was for the lack of anything better. Whether it was the TOI initially and then the DNA briefly and until now the HT...it just kept going from bad to worse with each week's review.
A good film critic cannot also be part of the industry; also being a film director obviously leads to serious conflict-of-interest issues and lack of dispassion while critiquing. This has been obvious even to ordinary human beings like us, ever since his first film. I thought I was the only one, but while Googling, I found others who agree even more virulently, for e.g. here - http://passionforcinema.com/khalid-mohmmd-wtf-are-you-writing/.
Goodbye, KM and hope Mr. Iqbal Masood's real successor comes along as soon as possible.
Posted by bhavinj at 11:05 PM | Comments (0)
January 17, 2009
LOL???....Ha! ROFL!!
Within two hours of my joining Facebook, my 20-something nephew wrote on my wall.
N: "really din expect u here mamu...welcome..."
I retorted : "Why? Is this a hangout for only 20-somethings?"
N came back with: "oh no not at all...rather i wud say u can fake ur age here n enjoy ur freetime...dreams are definitely better than reality..."
I: "But why would I want to do that! The 40s are the best times to be in."
N wittily (my niece actually thought he was wittier): "that means the past 4 decades werent good..lol (lol means laugh out loud)..."
What piqued me at this stage was the fact that my nephew seriously thought he had to explain what "lol" meant to a 40-something like me. This was the instinctive, automatic reaction of a 20-something believing that today's 40-somethings don't really get it!
He’s not entirely wrong, though! My generation is a sandwiched generation. There were no computers in school; neither in junior college; nor in graduate or post-graduate college. I first came across a PC in 1991...it was a 286 with a 5"floppy drive and storage of a few MBs. DOS was the operating system and everything was done in Wordstar or Lotus. From then on, I caught on fast, but for many of my peers, the wait to get introduced to PCs was even longer.
Irrespective of how tech-savvy we might all be today, our minds are just not wired the same way as those of the 20-somethings who have grown up with PCs as part of their school, college and everyday lives.
And funnily, their minds are also wired differently from those of my 8-year old twins, who have no concept of a non-digital world. We used to play gully cricket, "thappa", "gotis" and sometimes spin tops. My kids play "thappa" as well, but marbles and spinning tops have gone the way of the 286. For them, the IMac at home, the Wii and all similar gadgets are part of the furniture. Even without training, they can navigate their way around any device, including a universal remote, which my wife, even after multiple rounds of patient explanation, just can't get. It's all about the neural networks that are laid down early in life. Ours are just different...
And, it’s not just about the hardware. I resisted joining Facebook for a long time, because I just couldn't get the whole "social networking" thing. Eventually, after my wife joined and a couple of others made it a point to keep asking why I wasn’t on Facebook, I succumbed and have now become one more of those million odd profiles, writing on people's walls, commenting on friends' comments, asking to be friends, approving friend requests, uploading photos, videos, links, adding links from this column, etc. I'm still not sure I quite get it, but since a few of my school and college friends are on FB, at least it’s a nice way of keeping in touch.
And I doubt I'll ever get Twitter. Why would anyone want to know what the other person is doing the whole day? I barely have the time to figure out what my right and left hands are doing as the day progresses, let alone having to bother about someone else's angst on having to spend five minutes extra outside the office toilet door.
Yet, despite all our differently wired brains, I did "gotcha" my nephew after his "lol" comment.
I replied: "rofl..."
N wrote back: "i give up..wats rofl".
I cud tell u, dudes, but m gonna let u get dis on ur own.
Posted by bhavinj at 05:48 PM | Comments (0)
November 02, 2005
A Bit Listless
This is my Mumbai Mirror piece that was published yesterday.
A good number of people in Matunga have been born here, have studied here, married in the greater Matunga area, have delivered here, have had their children go to schools here and their children seem to be continuing the same tradition. There must be a reason for this.
In David Letterman style….
The Top Ten Reasons for Living in Matunga
10. Equidistant from Colaba and Borivli
9. Being a Gujju or Kutcchi and even better Jain…yes Tamil as well
8. Matunga gymkhana
7 All the other schools and colleges, excluding Don Bosco
6. The bhuttawala outside Jonette
5. Don Bosco
4. Matunga Market
3. The overall greenery
2. Five Gardens
1. The Udipi joints
The Top Ten Reasons for Not Living in Matunga
10.
9. No malls, multiplexes
8. No lounges, pubs, discos and fine-dining restaurants
7. Completely “non-happening”
6. Too many Gujjus, Kutchhis…and Tamils
5. The disappearance of all Navratri and dandia celebrations
4. Noise and air pollution on the main RAK and Ambedkar roads
3. The new monstrosities coming up all over Five Gardens, Adenwalla road, etc
2. The yearly constant flooding outside Gandhi market
1.
It doesn’t take much to figure why the “good” list is longer than the “bad”.
Posted by bhavinj at 12:44 PM | Comments (4)
August 12, 2005
Gujjus (and Kutcchis) rule
This is today's post in the Mumbai Mirror.
In the context of the Gujjufication of Matunga, Swapna sent this mail, “Today GUJJUS rule everywhere. And by everywhere i mean everywhere!!! Forget matunga , u find them everywhere. the suburbs overflow with them, travel in a local train and i bet half the compartment will be yelling across to each other in gujrathi. Its almost like an epidemic! Earlier it was uncool to be a gujju…Now it is totally COOL to be a gujju!”
“Gujjus (& Kutchhis) rule!” Nowhere is this as epitomized as in Matunga.
In Kal Ho Naa Ho, when Saif goes home for his parents’ anniversary celebrations, he makes no effort to hide his embarrassment at his parents’ antics, especially when they sing the “Gujju” song - G for gathiya, U for undhiya, J for jalebi, J for Jamnagar, etc. Actually, I was a little confused at his embarrassment! Was it his character’s innate Americanness being an ABCDEFG (American Born Confused Desi Emigrated from Gujarat), or was it the fact that the script-writer, the director, the producer and Saif himself are all Punjabis / North Indians, who love to poke fun at other communities in their films?
Offering a counterpoint, is Sarabhai v/s Sarabhai, on Star One, one of the few adult, intelligent sitcoms on Indian television today. The senior Sarabhai couple is a rich Gujju pair, their dermatologist son having married a middle-class Punjabi from Patiala, who thinks “vixen” is pleural for “Vicks” and asks her husband not to forget to get extra key-chains from the car-dealer after he buys a 1 crore SUV. The sitcom works brilliantly most of the times, mainly because of its ability to self-deprecatingly make fun of its own innate Gujjuness, at the same time poking fun at other communities, without being offensive.
Mrs. Sarabhai (Ratna Pathak Shah - who incidentally is a Five Gardens product), seems to live in Malabar Hill / Walkeshwar, but could as well have been living in New York or North London or Toronto (if you’ve met Gujjus/Kutchhis from these cities, you’ll know what I’m talking about) and constantly sniffs at the infra-dig attitudes of middle-class Gujjus living in the suburbs. Which includes Matunga, which really is the next Gujju bastion after Malabar Hill / Walkeshwar.
Maybe its the two “derasars” (Jain temples), maybe it’s the fact that there are already so many Gujjus already living in Matunga, maybe it’s the large number of schools and the relative peace and quiet, but middle and upper middle-class Gujjus and Kutchhis have, over the years, quietly infiltrated almost all of Matunga, Wadala and Sion, the majority of households represent slightly downmarket versions of the Sarabhai household. Which partly goes a long way in explaining the Matunga mentality.
Naturally, Matunga, Wadala and Sion are now intensely Gujjufied. All shop-keepers of all shades and stripes speak Gujarati, as do all the doctors in the area, as well as the bais, chauffeurs and vegetable sellers. And even the sambhar is a shade sweeter in all the Udipi joints.
The best part is the spill-over effect. On Saturdays and Sundays, even the coffee shop at the ITC, in neighboring Parel, resembles an upmarket Gujju / Kutchhi wedding…including the mandatory Jain counter on the side.
Posted by bhavinj at 02:15 PM | Comments (3)
July 05, 2005
Matunga, What's That!
This was published in today's Mumbai Mirror.
As a child, I often had to visit a cousin, living on Napean Sea Road. Once that cousin had friends visiting.
“Where do you live?”
“King’s Circle, Matunga”
“Oh…..”
“Uh….”
“Where’s that?”
“After Dadar and before Sion.”
“Sion comes when we go to Lonavla, doesn’t it?”
“It’s the circle that comes before”
“Oh…”
There was a pregnant pause during which they tried to digest the fact that someone actually lived in such places. For the sake of gastric stability, I was then promptly ignored and left to my own devices.
I remembered this, during a meeting last Saturday in Powai. We were discussing a suburban project, when I questioned its usefulness. My colleague immediately compared me to another senior professor, who questioning the viability of the project, had told him, “but Mumbai ends at Mahim.” Which, I told him, was much better than “Mumbai ends at Worli”, that a couple of my friends practicing in Girgaum, keep saying.
It then struck me how Matunga can be a less than 4 minutes blip on the car radar, a blurry 1.5km montage of buildings and shops, nestled between Dadar and Sion. That morning, short of time, I drove drive directly to Powai from Girgaum, without stopping off at home. From the Ruia college signal, in three minutes flat, I swung past King’s Circle, stopping momentarily at the Brahmanwada signal, from where in another half-minute, I was past Gandhi Market, and out of Matunga. Compare this to Powai. Though the drive from the Sion to the LBS Marg flyovers, took just 17 minutes, it took another 35 minutes just to reach the Renaissance. Powai just seemed to go on and on and on…
So, I am not sure I blame the “South Mumbai” types. Unless you have relatives or friends in Matunga or love Udipi food or have studied in VJTI or UDCT, there really is no reason to know anything about the place, except that it comes on the way to Lonavla.
Rarely though, you can get pleasantly surprised. A few years ago, Dad’s friend invited us for dinner to Bombay Brasserie, in Worli. They stayed on Carmicheal road and his son and daughter-in-law had just returned for good, after 7-8 years in the US. We went reluctantly, not knowing what level of snootiness to expect. At the table, we were all trying hard to find common-ground, when the daughter-in-law mentioned that she used to live at Five Gardens, part of the Matunga mentality coverage. When she and my wife realized that they were both Vachhaites, and that too, just a couple of years apart, they promptly sat down next to each other and gossiped the evening away. And the rest of us managed to amuse ourselves at their expense.
Plus c’a change, plus c’est la meme chose. Twenty five years after the Nepean Sea Road incident, at South Mumbai events, the mention of Matunga as a place of residence, still manages to raise an eyebrow. Sometimes, both…, and I am sure the rest as well, if we had more.
Posted by bhavinj at 06:44 PM | Comments (0)
July 21, 2002
The Deteriorating Doctor-Patient Relationships - Who is to Blame?
A couple of weeks back, the Sunday edition of Times of India carried a completely one-sided article on how the doctor-patient relationship has changed for the worse with examples of doctors cheating patients, starting with some Calcutta-based physicians who had been sentenced to three-months rigorous imprisonment for some supposed negligence.
A week later, "The Sunset" carried this article.
THE DETERIORATING DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIP
News Network Service
There is no denying that the doctor-patient relationship is deteriorating. Rank commercialization and deteriorating moral standards in society have had their effect also on the medical profession and the practice of medicine. Doctors have been brought into the ambit of the consumer court and in the last few years, cases involving doctors have gone up significantly. An idea of where things are going can be obtained from some examples of court cases currently up for hearing.
1. Doctor A versus Patient X
Patient X came to Doctor A, a radiologist for a CT examination of the abdomen and pelvis. The cost was Rs. 10,000, which patient X agreed to pay. Proof of this was his signature on the consent form that also listed the charges for the study. Patient X paid half the money and kept the other half balance, saying he would pay while collecting the report. In the meantime, Doctor A called Doctor Y, the patient's family physician and told him the study was normal. Doctor Y informed patient X about this. Patient X decided not to collect the report. Doctor A's staff called Patient X at least 10 times, but the patient refused to come to collect the report and to pay the balance amount. He made a police complaint, but to no avail. With no further help forthcoming, the doctor filed a suit in court for recovery of money.
2. Doctor C versus Patient Z
This is a very interesting case. Patient Z took an appointment with Doctor C's centre for a CT scan, to be scheduled at 7.00AM in the morning. The centre took down the patient's telephone number and the day before the examination twice called to confirm the appointment. In the meantime, another patient W wanted an urgent CT scan appointment, but could not be adjusted since the day's bookings were full. Patient W decided to get the scan done elsewhere. On the day of the study, patient Z did not turn up till 7.15AM. The centre called his place only to find that he was still asleep and didn't feel like getting up to come for the study - his wife said, "he will come at 8.00AM when he wakes up." The centre cancelled his appointment and the doctor decided to sue the patient for recovery of lost income. As the lawyer puts it. "the patient showed complete disrespect for the system and because of this, the doctor also lost income from another patient who could have been accommodated if patient Z had been more responsible."
3. The Indian Insurance Company versus Patient M
Patient M had an MRI examination done for the spine and Doctor F's report mentioned a comparison with a previous scan performed two years ago for the same problem, which was a disc herniation. The patient this time got operated within 20 days of the MRI scan and decided to use his medical insurance, which he had procured just a year and a half ago. The agent told him that the claim would be rejected since the MRI report made it clear that this was a long-standing, two-year old problem. He came back to Doctor F and asked him to change the report so as not to reflect the comparison. Doctor F refused saying that it would not be correct. The patient abused him and also pressurized the operating surgeon to talk to Doctor F. Fed up and fearing future problems, doctor F filed a complaint about patient M with The Indian Insurance Company. In the meantime, patient M had forged the doctor's signature on another report and submitted the claim. When the insurance company realized this, they filed a suit against the patient for misrepresentation, doctor F being their star witness.
4. Doctor N versus relatives of Patient E
Patient E came to doctor N, an oncologist, with a diagnosis of presumed carcinoma ovary. Since the tumor was big, the patient was explained that the best course would be to take chemotherapy to reduce the tumor size, after which a surgery would be necessary. The relatives were explained this in detail. An uncle of patient E, a very influential individual, pooh-poohed "all this allopathy" and convinced the patient and her husband that chemotherapy itself would kill her. Instead he started them on some "Umerkhadi" medicine. After three months, the patient found her abdomen distending; her cancer had spread into the peritoneum. She went back to the oncologist, who was extremely upset. This had happened once too often and frustrated she decided to file a suit against the uncle who was responsible for converting a potentially treatable situation into a non-treatable disease.
5. Doctor P versus relatives of patient S
Patient S was admitted with acute severe pancreatitis in the ICU of the hospital under doctor P. The relatives were explained in detail that this condition was potentially fatal and worse than having a "heart attack" or "stroke" - the treatment would also cost upwards of around Rs 3 lakhs. The doctor visited the patient at least twice a day, made sure that the necessary investigations were carried out, had him operated for necrosectomy and as his vital organs started failing one by one, made sure that the best specialists for the other organs were available. Despite his best efforts, the patient died after three weeks. He had constantly been in touch with the relatives and appraised them of the situation everyday. When the doctor told them of the patient's death, the brother and father pushed him around outside the ICU and loudly blamed him for the patient's death. Doctor P was upset and shocked; assuming this was a reaction to the death, he let it go. However two days after the cremation, they barged into this office and again abused him. Doctor P could not take this any longer; he filed a police complaint for physical harassment and then a suit against them for physical and mental abuse.
6. Doctor O versus The Morning Times
The Morning Times ran a report of how Doctor O had killed a patient during a CT guided biopsy. According to the report, the biopsy needle went into the heart, puncturing it and the patient bled to death. Doctor O was never approached for his side of the story and the entire article was based on the information given by the patients and their relatives. The article went on to blame the doctor and cast aspersions on his method of working and his ethics. What the article did not mention was that the autopsy done two days after the incident had shown a completely coincidental myocardial infarct (heart attack), which had nothing to do with the procedure. When doctor O went to meet the editor of the newspaper with this information, the editor kept him waiting for three hours and was then extremely rude and abusive, the abuse carrying over to the entire medical profession. Doctor O approached the Consultant Doctors Association. When the CDA tried to meet the editor, they were given the same rude treatment and the editor and journalist refused to file a retraction; they refused to even look at the evidence. With no recourse, doctor O with the help of the CDA filed a suit against the relatives of the patient and the Morning Times for a compensation of Rs 5 crores, for slander and resultant loss of practice.
There are many more such cases in the civil and criminal courts.
Doctors are soft targets; they are highly educated and intelligent, but not organized and unionized. Everyone, the patients, the insurance companies, the hospitals and their administrators, the government, the taxmen, etc., tries to take advantage of them. It is time they fought back and it is likely that we will see more cases like these in the future.
Posted by bhavinj at 06:58 AM | Comments (0)
November 02, 2000
How to Become a Doctor in Four Weeks
Here is a roadmap of how to become a doctor in four weeks or less and to earn more than conventional physicians and surgeons.
First, take a reiki course for a week and become a reiki-master or expert. Understand the nuances of the posturing and hand movements and the importance of correct jargon. Once this has been mastered, take a small course in pranic-healing. At the same time, start reading books or surf the net for information on vastushastra and feng-shui or attend classes. Along with this, pick up tomes on gem therapy, aromatherapy and magnetotherapy and attend classes if required.
This should not take more than four weeks.
Once you are ready, start first with your friends and family. Initially, take on only those people who have coughs and colds, vague aches and pains, backache, general discomfort, heartburn, and conditions, which generally don't get enough attention from practitioners of conventional medicine. Spend time with them, while practicing the various movements and spouting the correct jargon. Encourage them to talk about themselves and don't be surprised when they come up with a lot of repressed feelings, buried fears and angst about their lives and the futures of their families and themselves. Impress them by correctly pinpointing their problems, citing causes such as lack of sleep, faulty diet, "fast" lives, occasional depression, etc. all of which will be present to some degree or another in the majority of people.
In no time, they will start recommending you to their other friends and acquaintances and you will get known. Become serious, adopt a slightly superior but not condescending or patronizing air and charge the earth. The more expensive you are, the better you will be considered. Get yourself a consulting room, either in your house or outside and design it to look extremely ethnic with low-settees, earthy colors, incense, pots, curtains, brocade, zari, malas and the like.
When the first really serious patient comes in, give an impression that you understand the problem in detail. Ask for all the papers, read the doctors' notes, the pathology and radiology reports and make some pithy comments like, "Hmm...Whew...Tough...". Even if you don't have the foggiest idea of where the liver is or what the function of the pancreas is or can't pronounce medulla oblongata, don't worry. Just keep muttering " modern medicine...tch tch" and keep shaking your head. When the patient or the relatives look at you wide-eyed with expectation and hope, tell them "Don't worry...we'll set things right". Don't ever tell them to stop the treatment they have been advised by the practitioners of modern medicine, whether it involves drugs or surgery. If the treatment is successful, take the credit for it, by saying that it worked only because of all the reiki, etc that was applied. If the treatment is unsuccessful and the patient worsens, blame it on "allopathic" medicine and its ills and the "hard" drugs and "cutting" surgery. You can't go wrong!
You can further impress the patients by keeping their pathology reports and x-rays and doing reiki on them saying that by targeting the diseases from the reports, you can heal them faster.
You will get disbelievers and relatives trying to expose you. The more educated they are, the easier it is to convert them. Drop words like "cosmic energy", "positive biofeedback", "yin and yang", "forces of life", "negative and positive energy", "environmental pollution" and if you are a little smarter, "global heating", "ozone hole", "man ruining Gaia, earth's life force" and "El Nino", mix everything into a goulash that is so complicated, it just cannot be challenged, add anecdotes of miraculous healing either by you or preferably by your reiki-master along with phone numbers and references of the "master" (not the patient, silly) and you'll probably have them slurping the palms of your hands.
Never promise too much! Don't say that you can make a man paralytic for 20 years, walk, but do say that "I can make him feel better and maybe in the future he might start walking". Who knows what miracles modern medicine might throw up in the future...at that time, if you are still around, you can take the credit for everything. Don't ever tell them to stop taking their conventional treatment, or you will be doomed.
Add a "Dr" before your name to make you sound big. No one will say anything to you in India. Also add a few initials like MR (master of reiki), PHE (pranic healing expert), VC (vastu consultant) and get an MRSH (Member of the Royal Society of Health), a certificate from Britain (the foreign stamp) which even a Municipal sweeper can get provided he pays the necessary pounds in fees.
Without the ten to fifteen years of solid hard work that conventional doctors have to go through, without exams, without the struggle to establish a practice and a name, without any knowledge whatsoever of anatomy or physiology, without even knowing how to pronounce medical words, you will be able to become a successful doctor. It just needs some savvy and street-smarts.
All this in just four weeks! And never compromise on your charges. Ever! And always charge more than conventional doctors, to justify your rapport with the universal soul as well as to make as much money as possible while the going is good.
Of course, you could also pay some money to an obscure University in Bihar or Uttar Pradesh and get an actual MBBS certificate...that would give you even more legitimacy. Imagine patients saying, "an MBBS doctor advising reiki, pranic healing, etc...there must be something in all this." Of course, this can only be started in an obscure place where no one knows that you haven't actually done an MBBS. But there are enough such places in India, aren't there!
Posted by bhavinj at 06:56 AM | Comments (1)
February 27, 2000
The Holistic Treatment Soup
Breast cancer with liver metastases. It was like a death sentence for Seema. The prognosis was poor and the expected suffering, considerable, but she decided to give it a good fight. After multiple consultations and tests, she found a good, kind oncologist, who took her through five cycles of a rigorous chemotherapy regime. Three months later the lump in her breast disappeared and the liver metastases regressed.
Seema threw a small party for her friends and family. As the party started drawing to a close, many of her close friends and family gravitated into a circle around Seema, drawn together by their relationships with her and their contributions to her well being. A friend of hers, Nikita, who had just come down from London, was being introduced to all of them.
Nikita: It is a miracle, isn't it. The statistics were all against her, but she made it.
Uncle 1: Obviously. I spent days with her, performing reiki, channeling the universal life force energy over her body to drive away and kill the cancer cells. I even made my grandmaster perform long-distance reiki from Japan.
Uncle 2: If you say so, but I think it was my pranic healing that healed her. I used the chakras in my palm to revitalize her energy field. I even did advanced pranic healing using violet and electric violet energy instead of the usual white energy to realign her bioplasmic energy, which in turn healed her physical body.
Uncle 3: How can mere energy work! It is my urine therapy that cured her. I taught her how to drink her own urine first thing in the morning each day. She is not the first case of cancer cured by urine therapy.
Nikita: Yechh!
Uncle 3: There is nothing yechh about this. Urine has been used therapeutically in India for centuries and can cure everything from constipation to cancer. It even helps patients with AIDS. It is a sterile substance that contains thousands of nutrients; the only thing to be careful about is that the urine drunk should be a proper, clean mid-stream sample, collected first thing in the morning.
Aunt 1: Bull. What really helped is the magical leaf that I placed on her breast with a mudpack everyday. The lady who gave it to me told me that her own breast cancer fell out when she used it. Seema is just the last of many patients to benefit from this treatment.
Brother-in-law: I think it is my acupressure that worked. Pressing on a particular point on the foot is supposed to make cancers go away. And I think Seema quite enjoyed those daily massages. Eh, Seema?
Aunt 2: And what about my water-therapy? I made her drink eight cups of water every day in the morning; all that water must have drowned the cancer cells. It has been proved beyond doubt that hydrotherapy can treat hypertension, diabetes, hemorrhoids, stress and cancer.
Sister-in-law: Poof! The warm-water baths that I made her have are responsible for her cure. Sitting cross-legged in a basin and applying warm water over one's body is supposed to drive away negative energy. That is exactly what happened; the negative cancer disappeared.
Distant uncle: What has actually worked is the powder from Santu Baba in Umerkhadi, which I had asked her to eat after lunch every day. It is a very powerful herbal, natural medicine that has cured a large number of patients with cancers the world over. Don't you remember Seema's cousin's father-in-law with stomach cancer who is still alive after taking this powder?
And this went on.
One man, with a slight bemused expression on his face, remained silent throughout. When Nikita noticed this, she jokingly asked.
Didn't you contribute anything to her remission?
Silent man: I am not sure. I am just her oncologist.
Posted by bhavinj at 06:53 AM | Comments (0)
February 13, 2000
The Top Ten Rules that Mumbai Taxi-Drivers Follow for Passenger Comfort and Satisfaction
10. Keep the taxi in a rickety condition, so that the ride is as bumpy and jerky as possible. The passengers will get a free body massage.
9. Brake hard, suddenly, every 3-5 minutes. This will help passengers exercise various body parts in an attempt to prevent them from being flung around.
8. Push the front seat as far back as possible. This will cramp most passengers in the back seat, thus keeping them awake and alert.
7. Blow your horn as loudly and frequently as possible. This will prevent most passengers from falling asleep, thus allowing them to use their precious time for more fruitful activities.
6. Always swear at other drivers who either drive too slow or too fast or cut you or don't allow you to cut them. This will expand the passengers' vocabulary.
5. Exchange the standard four-cylinder engine for an imported, junked, three-cylinder one. This will prevent the taxi from going above 40km/hour, thus making it safer for passengers.
4. Always drive in the middle of a two-lane road so that no other vehicle can pass you by. This will prevent noxious fumes from other vehicles entering your taxi, thus keeping the air inside clean and breathable.
3. Break signals and drive through one-way streets from the opposite direction whenever possible. The passengers will reach their destinations faster, thus saving time and money.
2. Never carry small change. This will teach passengers the new concept of rounding off to the nearest five rupees.
1. Always refuse short-distance rides. This will make people healthier by forcing them to walk.
Posted by bhavinj at 12:03 AM | Comments (0)
August 23, 1999
The Art of Spitting (A PhD Thesis Proposal)
A friend of mine showed me this PhD thesis proposal.
Background:
Spitting is an act of expulsion of the contents of one's mouth into one's surroundings. It is an act which allows the person indulging in it, to get rid of unwanted fluid, food particles, phlegm, sputum or extraneous material such as "paan-juice". The uniqueness of the act of spitting lies in the fact that unlike belching, farting, micturition and defecation it is almost completely voluntary, done at will and usually with complete control.
Spitting in India is a universal phenomenon. In virtually every locality, at almost every corner, someone is spitting at any given time. There are very few public places, where evidence of spittle, especially red "paan-juice" is absent. It would therefore be safe enough to say that this one act of volition, which the majority of Indians participate in most of the times, has elevated spitting to the level of a national sport or past-time. It is important therefore to study the concept of spitting in detail.
We have already done a preliminary survey of 1000 people to understand the act of spitting, which we will describe in the sections to follow.
Objectives of the study:
1. To understand the anatomy and physiology of spitting.
2. To understand the pyschology behind the act of spitting
3. To study the various methods of spitting, the differences between them and the reasons for these differences.
Materials & Methods:
We will undertake a large survey with a lengthy questionnaire, to try and meet the various objectives. This questionnaire will be handed over by various non-governmental organizations (NGOs) to over 100,000 individuals, randomly picked, to avoid bias related to gender, socio-economic status or religion.
Our preliminary studies have found that there are no hard and fast criteria for the type of people who spit. People of all socio-economic strata spit, whether it the rich, Mercedes-driving individuals or the mathadi workers pulling a cart. Males appeared to outnumber women, 1.4:1, but we believe this is a bias related to the fact that more men than women are found outdoors. Young children spit less, but after the age of 15, there is no difference. All religions spit equally. All castes spit without bias. The only difference is that the more socially upscale a person, the more careful that person is not to spit on someone else and to wipe his/her mouth with a clean handkerchief after the act.
If the person is a "spitter" (preliminary results show that only 1% of individuals, spit only in their homes or in washrooms, and thus do not qualify"), then the questioner will try to understand when and how the spitter spits. Our initial survey has shown the following methods: saliva spitting, "paan-juice" spitting, phlegm spitting and spitting of food particles. These can be spitted out in the form of a drool, straight down, straight direct, with mouth open or through pursed lips, gently or with a considerable ejectile force. All these will be evaluated in detail to assess for specific associations with gender, religion, socio-economic status and the like.
The next question will deal with the emotional state before and after the act of spitting. Our early results have shown that there is an element of agitation before spitting, especially if a cough has brought up phlegm or if a person is chewing paan. The act of spitting leads to emotional satisfaction and in some instances a post-orgasmic state of relief. As a result of this, only women will question women and men, men.
The economic background will also be studied in detail. It is believed that the reason many people spit so much is because of the high level of unemployment. Having nothing much to do during the day, and no money or access to most sports activities, spitting helps spitters keep active and in an alert state of mind (avoiding hitting passers-by, aiming correctly, etc). Since this act seems to help alleviate the angst of unemployment, it needs detailed study.
One part of the study will deal with the question of why "paan-chewers" insist on spitting their red spittle on the whitest and cleanest surfaces, especially in buildings and public places. One study done in the past has postulated that this act allows them to bring to the fore their anti-social feelings and to get rid of them - if so the act of spitting actually may help in relieving individuals of their angst and may be a cathartic solution for psychological problems. Something similar to graffiti in public places.
Eventual Aim:
All this data will then be processed to understand the psychology and methodology of spitting. This data may then be sold to companies to help them identify target populations for their products, such as special handerchiefs for wiping after the act, special portable "spittoons", spitting contests and the like.
It is probable that with over 90% of the population spitting constantly, the possibility of turning out a world-champion is high. Therefore, since we lack sportsmen of calibre in other sports, this data can be used to institute proper training camps and to convert this national past-time into a full-time sport. The only competition apparently that we will have to worry about from is from Bangladeshis, Pakistanis and maybe Mexicans (from Clint Eastwood's curry westerns).
Epilogue:
The proposal was accepted. When it was sent for grants, the grants commission saw so much potential, that the proposal was sent to the World Bank, which immediately decided to fund it as a third-world project. Now, there are four NGOs involved with two full-time MBAs drawing seven figure salaries running the project. Not to be outdone, the state and central governments have made special budgetary provisions and deputed a minister of state to oversee the activities. It has also been made clear to various policing agencies that people who try to stop the act of spitting in public places (apparently there was some campaign called "say 'chee' to spitters") should immediately be booked for obstruction of individual rights. Efforts will also be instituted to brainwash such anti-social "non-spitters" into becoming spitters.
Posted by bhavinj at 09:55 AM | Comments (0)
