I AM FINALLY PUBLISHED! And yes, I will use "all caps"! It just feels so good; I know I am justified in shouting.

Oh, okay! It may not seem like such a big thing to most of you, considering it is just one small satire in a book featuring over 25 authors. And it is not as if Indian authors are not being published every other day. But considering what I've had to go through to get here (don't worry, I am not coming up with a hard-luck story), it feels like a big thing to me.

When I started two years ago, all I knew was that I wanted to write. To make sure that I would write consistently every week, I started my website and became a regular columnist at a couple of other sites. For one and a half years, I was able to key my words on the notebook screen with prompt regularity, week after week, churning out rants and reviews, essays and satires, until everything fell apart in February. I hate cribbing, but with a 6.00AM to 6.00PM work schedule, evening with the twins and travelling all over the country on weekends, something had to give, and the immediate casualty was my non-medical writing.

Sulekha Team (mainly Venkatesh, I suspect) actually got it right on the noggin, in that small footnote on the first page of my piece that starts on page 38 and ends on page 42. With a good amount of sarcasm he mentions at the end "He is a doctor by profession and recently became a father of twins; both these nearly full-time occupations have added depth to his writings, but taken away the time that he needs to devote to his writings." Every weekend I promise myself that I will write a new piece. My notebook's subdirectory called MFM/Writings is littered with half-completed pieces; some of these were topical at the time they were written and have had to be abandoned since; the rest are waiting to be reopened and reworked upon. In the bargain my subscriber list and website, Sulekha and India Parenting have all been left in the lurch; the loss is mine, not theirs.

Venkatesh over the last three months or so had been corresponding with me about Sulekha Select. I had been replying to him at a spinal level, complying with his wishes, filling out forms, sending off some declarations, etc. Yesterday three copies of this book finally reached me at work. I opened the Elbee jacket, saw the books, a pressing phone call interrupted any "Sulekha" thoughts that might have crossed my mind and I forgot all about them. Today, when I finally saw the books again and took one in my hands, saw the elegant cover, my name among the author-list on the front page and riffled through the pages, it finally sunk in. I WAS FINALLY PUBLISHED! And as if that was not enough, I was in terrific company.

The immediate next piece in the book is by Nagesh Kukunoor who I know as the director of Hyderabad Blues, a nice hip film, which I liked immensely. Ramesh Mahadevan, who is one of the funniest writers I know. Mahesh Krishnaswamy from Singapore who is often Wodehousesque and great fun. And Ashini and Neeta are e-colleagues from a small writing group that was started a year ago, but eventually petered out as everyone became busier with other things. Ashini is a great critic and I remember how she completely nixed my sexist satire on Madhuri Dixit's marriage. Tanushri who hit Sulekha with a bang; I almost met her last year when Venkatesh came down to Mumbai, but I guess she was daunted by the travel from Vashi to Churchgate all alone at night and we never eventually met. The only other person who I have met besides Venkatesh (who I think is a bloody genius), is Abbas Tyrewalla, who will one day be very famous and we'll see him during a Filmfare award going on stage to receive a best lyricist or screenplay award. Sailendra Singh's wit is famous in the e-group SASIALIT, 144 mails of which are lying in my inbox waiting to be deleted. And of course Rupa Gawle, who stormed into Sulekha with her angst-ridden ABCD article; she never did reply to any of my mails though. And Satya (and Sangeeta), who gave me my first big break by making me a columnist at Sulekha (a decision I hope they don't regret or retract, despite my irregularity); Satya was in Mumbai for three days a few months ago and we couldn't just manage to meet each other; that's how crazy life has been. I know I'll have to go to Austin one of these days just to say hello and thank you.

When I started writing, my aim was to first clear the cobwebs, get the words flowing and then sit down to write the "great Indian novel". Only of course, the "great Indian novel" no longer exists. I know now that there is no way I will ever be able to achieve the kind of word play that Arundhati Roy and Pankaj Mishra possess. Yet I know that someday my novels will come through; they are just a matter of time. And when I start hawking those manuscripts to publishers (not everyone gets immediately snapped with a million dollar advance), this Sulekha Select publication will be my first reference. Thanks Satya, Sangeeta and Venkatesh.

And maybe from tomorrow, I'll find that little extra time and inspiration to pen my 500 words a day. Hell, even if I can do 500 words a week, I'll be happy. And if I consider the way this piece has virtually typed itself a sign, then I guess I will be able to manage. So what if it is 1.00AM in the morning and I have to get up at 5.00AM to reach work at 6.00AM for a full day's work despite it being Saturday, followed by a reunion of my old hospital department at night, followed by a 6.00AM flight to Vadodara on Sunday morning for a lecture, followed by...

It feels great! And to all of you at Sulekha, thanks again!

Addendum: In the interim, I was always thinking of writing the “Great Indian” novel. My profession though will not allow that for some more time. In the interim, this book has happened, so I AM FINALLY PUBLISHED as a book author as well. And my prediction about Abbas Tyrewalla has come true as well. Despite the failure of his last film, trust me…he is a genius and will do really, really well.

August 2021 Addendum: I was wrong about Abbas. I never did get around to the “Great Indian” novel, but in the interim have published books on radiology topics and am working towards my “atmasvasth” book, given my obsession currently with living long, healthy. All of this you can read at www.matkamedicine.com

An earlier article of mine "Black, White and Various Shades of Brown" keeps showing up on search engines when people look for information on fairness products and creams.

In the last two months I have received mail from four individuals who in all seriousness have asked me to help them with information on fairness products. Two of those mails are reproduced below.

"Respected,

Let introduce to you myself that I belongs to Pakistan and 29 female. My question is what kind of cream I use to make my face little fair. As the people don't like black completion in here and Im confused about my completion. So please help in this regard.

Your suggestion is highly appricate.

Suggest me the cream or the recipies for the cream or ? which is easy availabl in my country

Thanking you for your anticipated cooperation

regard.
Rozina"

and

"Dear Sir
I have gone through an interesting article "Black, White and Various Shades of Brown" by you on web.

I am a Management student of Christ College Bangalore and doing a similar study on fairness creams "Consumer attitude towards the Fairness Creams in India"

I will be great full to you if you can help me in my study by forwarding any other such report or the Project Report you have mentioned in your article.

With Regards
Kamal"

I have put together a list of the top ten ways of becoming fair, so that I have a ready answer for all those who ask me stupid questions on fairness products and fair/dark studies.

"The Top Ten Ways of Becoming Fair"

10. Surround yourself with darker people.

9. Use talcum powder constantly, all over the exposed parts of your body...it would also be a good idea to buy shares in Johnson & Johnson.

8. Rub pumice stone all over your body; the Koli women use it on their legs to get rid of hair...it also leaves their skin fairer and lighter.

7. Immerse yourself in a tub of an industrial bleaching agent...twice a day for a year.

6. Migrate to the Arctic for at least 20 years...the lack of exposure to the sun will make your skin fair.

5. Wear a burkha permanently...it may have the same effect as going to the Arctic.

4. Research the leukoderma (albino) gene and inject it in your body.

3. Research the melanin pigment gene and invent an anti-melanin agent.

2. Ask John Woo and get a skin transplant done from a fair person (remember Face-Off?).

1. Contact Michael Jackson.

I came across a project report written by an executive of a US based multinational company which is considered to be a leader in the beauty care business. He had been sent to India, some months ago, to carry out a market survey for a new fairness cream. This particular fairness cream had done very badly in the US despite a very positive pilot study, and the company was stuck with a large inventory, which it had thought of dumping in a suitable third-world country. The MNC had no previous base in India.

This is the report that he sent.

SUMMARY
"India is a phenomenal market for fairness creams and our product should do well beyond all imagination. Despite the logistical problems of setting up a company in India (Annexure A), I believe that not only should we market the cream in India, but we should also set up our own base in India - not as part of a joint venture with a local company, as we had thought of doing earlier. Not only that, I believe that we should even be prepared to shift our production facilities to India if necessary, at short notice."

OBSERVATIONS:

"1. Indians are obsessed with skin color."

"2. A careful study of the classified matrimonial columns in the local and national papers, shows that the majority of the ads follow a set pattern. 'A fair, good-looking, Gujarati/Sindhi/Punjabi/Tamil lady wanted for an educated, well-settled man...'. If the girl is advertising for a groom, the ad goes something like, 'A fair girl with good temperament looking for....', or if the girl is not fair, euphemistically, 'A girl with a wheatish complexion.....'. Never in the last few months, have I come across an ad from either side mentioning a dark-skinned lady. This is because all things being equal (and sometimes even if not equal), a fair woman has a much better chance of bagging a good husband. (For an explanation of the concept of matrimonial ads and arranged marriages and their importance in the Indian scenario, please see Annexure B)."

"2. As soon as a child is born and its sex is known, the next thing looked at is the skin color. A dark skin in a boy is still acceptable, but in a girl is considered a liability. (Please see Annexure C for a more detailed local explanation.)"

"3. Indians have a poor tolerance towards races darker than them. In places like Kenya, where there is a large Indian population, a very derogatory attitude exists towards the native African population. The Indians there refer to them as 'Kaalia' or 'Karo", meaning black. (Annexure D for articles regarding this). A similar attitude exists towards Africans who come to study in India. They are looked upon with suspicion and in the event of even the slightest trouble involving them or their places of stay, they are arrested and considered guilty unless proved innocent. (Annexure E for reports in the press including protest letters by the Nigerian embassy). A couple of years ago, an African couple was denied entry into a South Mumbai pub, because the owner thought the couple would cause trouble. (Annexure F for a Mid-Day report on this). As an Indian friend tells me 'Our attitude towards the blacks is worse than the attitude that the whites had towards us - the apartheid spectrum seems to have shifted to the right of the color range.'"

"4. Just to illustrate this point further. I am sure you are aware of the controversy that Indian and Pakistani cab drivers in New York got into, when they refused a ride to Mr. Danny Glover, the actor, on the grounds that they were scared of blacks and would prefer not to go to areas with a predominant African-American population. (Annexure G for the New York Times coverage of this incident)."

"5. There is a sizeable community of Indians in the US. Though marriages and interactions between the white population and Indians are known, it is very rare for Indians to have emotional or sexual relations with African-American individuals. (Annexure H for a report by an Indian-American on this topic)."

"6. There are two popular brands selling fairness products in the local Indian market - they account for most of the market share. Of these two, one is actually a bleach, (we can stress this point in our ad campaign and run the company out of business) and the other is a cream similar to ours.(Annexure I contains copies of press advertisements of these products as well as statistics regarding their sales and market share)".

"7. In the Southern parts of India, where the people are much darker than in the northern parts, being fair is considered a godsend. In their movies, fair actresses and heroines are much better appreciated than dark actresses, even though the majority of the population is dark. (Annexure J for pictures of fair Southern movie actresses)".

MARKETING STRATEGIES:
"1. There are two target populations. The first is women in the age group of 17-25 whose need to be fair is directly proportional to their urge to get married. At this stage, they are extremely vulnerable to suggestions from any source, including ads, about products that would help make them fair. The second target population is men - they should be made to see the virtues of our cream using subliminal messages in our ads. They would then support the use of our product and sometimes maybe even suggest its use to their daughters and wives.

"2. The two competitive products mentioned above, blatantly extol the virtues of being fair, in their television ads. There is no opposition from the public or the advertising council regarding these racist ads, which would never have been allowed in our politically correct country. With our superior advertising and marketing concepts, we can push this divide even further - we can show how being dark is shameful and that nothing works like being fair, creating a situation where anyone even remotely affected by color, will have no choice but to use our products."

"3. To this end, we can use some fair actresses to advertise our product. This concept is very prevalent in the soap industry and though the actresses are expensive by Indian standards, the amount of money involved is not much by our standards (approximately 100,000$ or so for endorsement)."

"4. If we could get Michael Jackson to endorse the product in India, that would work wonders. We can show him during his "Thriller" days and compare that MJ to the new one, to show how even the darkest of dark people can become fair with the right attitude and skin-care products."

"5. There is a tendency to believe anything which has even the slightest scientific background to it. Shampoo and face-care companies run countless television ads showing pretty scientists in research and development departments strutting around extolling the virtue of their products that ostensibly have been developed after extensive experimentation. Since we have an R&D department, we could do the same by showing a dark, academic-looking Indian asking a fair, Indian, woman scientist working in our R&D department, leading questions about our fairness cream and looking terribly impressed by the results shown, so much so, that even she starts using our cream and notices a change, within a month."

CONCLUSION:

"To reiterate, India is a country, prime for the picking. We should see phenomenal sales and profits for our product in the country."

There is an interesting epilogue to this. The executive's superiors in the MNC approached his observations with the proverbial pinch of salt and thought he had gone overboard in his enthusiasm. The project was nixed and the extra stock of the fairness cream was dumped in a landfill. The frustrated executive quit the company and formed a start-up, with venture capital finance from some Silicon Valley Indian entrepreneurs who were the only ones who believed in the potential of his project that would include the manufacture and sale of a new, unique fairness cream in India. For those interested, the grapevine has it that the project is nearing completion and a product launch is just around the corner...

Addendum: Once published, I was so ecstatic that I wrote a piece titled “I Am Finally Published”  in April 2001. This article also started showing up in search engines when people used search-words like fairness creams, etc. Some actually mistook this to be a real corporate report and wrote back to me asking for more information and a copy of the annexures as well. Irritated, I penned a piece on these comments in September 2000, titled “The Top Ten Ways of Becoming Fair”.